So im sitting here muching on some pork chops, and drinkin some beer and thought to myself since im bored i'll post a blog, even though no one really reads or comment on it that much. SO i wrote a poem last night, Called 'normal like you", that poem is pretty much me suffering from my BPD and cutting addiction and wish so much for everything to be normal. I feel as though no one could really understand me and i feel so alone. I thought dealing with BPD would be easy, but its fucking rough even with some knowledge. i'm trying to train myself but its no pinic.  The urges of harming myself is so unbareable im drowning it out in good and bad ways. But im doing good than the past few years. I hate to say this but i need to be on medication, its hard for me to deal with life and my emotions with out finding some release or escape, when i was on my last meds i was more mellow and have better controlled i just hated the fact of not being able to drink on them. but i can work around it. If you want to learn more bout BPD (borderline personality disorder) you can always browse it online.

Dealing with it is hard, i try to think when did it all started, from what i know BPD is either cause by enviromental or biologly (please forgive if im not making any sense i just pounded a few beers). i know around junior high thats when the symptoms started showing. But as i dig deeper i have always been ill. So my theory is that i was born this way and the things that happen in my life made it worse as i got older. For example, a normal person who went through some fo the things i went through and had my life would just be normaly depressed and move on, if someone like me dealt what i dealt than its a different story.

I got this book, kinda like a survival guide to help me, so we will see how it goes. anyway i should hit the sack i have work tomorrow. peace out  

   I'm like tired but dont feel like going to bed. I wanted to blog about something but im tired and forgot cause im all ehhh. Today wasnt too bad, just happy im off from work. my friend tom and i are going to the bar tomorrow. First i have to do a lil food shopping cook dinner and hurry to meet up with him. Haha i'm listening to Buckcherry's song "Lit up" or also known as the cocaine song (uurrgghh this freaking computer is being slow and WTF) its a funny cool ass song. I've been itching to see Three Days Grace in concert again. I've seen them back in 07, it was a great show. Which remind me i have to looking up tour dates. Ugh man i got this really bad knot in my neck....i neeed someone to knead it out for me.

                             (Axe Murderers, we don't die
                                    Serial Killers, we don't die
                                   Freaks of the Night, we don't die
                                  We get high, we don't die)

My relationship with Mike is doing pretty ok. It just feels weird cause he is totally not the type of guy i'll go with but he makes me happy in a way and does alot for me like right now he is taking his time to teach me to drive. IM doing pretty well i have a test on Nov 12th. We almost got into a couple accidents buutt my reflexes are good .   He does do alot for me that no one else has, and he is good when it comes to my emotional rollercoaster episodes cause he doesnt add fuel to the fire. Only thing that gets on my nerves about him is that he can be retarded at times(what guy isnt?) and he can be really  insecure and doesnt know when to give me space when im annoyed with him sometimes, but he is learning. He might not give me the best sex, or smart conversations but he has other good things about him. I LOVE HIM.

The fucking assholes at job really like pissing me off. Or just like doing stupid annoying things or ask the most stupid freaking questions. I can't really recall the exact details for the past week or sooo but...yea no wonder i need to drink or get high sometimes these fuckers like stressing me out. I also feel like that i really can't deal with these type of people unless im intoxicated in some way, but i havent been high/drunk at work so dont worry. They really need to shut down that rt 1 bus and everything will be better. I like when these ghetto bastards come in and ask if we got something for a dime.................WTF this is not a ghetto ass corner store!! Like c'mon people your ina  middle class area. I forget people are stuipid. Anyway i need to like really get to be...peace out

Love Me Dead"

Love me cancerously, like a salt-sore soaked in the sea.
"High maintenance" means your a gluttonous queen,
narcissistic and mean.
Kill me romantically, fill my soul with vomit
then ask me for a piece of gum.
Bitter and dumb, you're my sugarplum
you're awful, I love you...

[Chorus]
She moves through moonbeams slowly
She knows just how to hold me
and when her edges soften, her body is my coffin.
I know she drains me slowly
She wears me down to bones in bed...
must be the sign on my head, it says,
"Oh love me dead!" Love me dead

You're a faith-healer on tv
You're an office park without any trees
corporate and cold, gushing for gold-leave me alone.
You suck so passionately
You're a parasitic, psycho, filthy creature
finger-bangin' my heart.
You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?
You're hideous...and sexy!

[Repeat Chorus]

Must be the sign on my head, it says,
"Oh love me dead!" Love me dead! Wow! Uh!

Love me cancerously
Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da! Brrrot-dot-da-d-da-da!
How's your new boy? Does he know about me?
You've got the mark of the beast.
You're born of a jackal! You're beautiful!

[Repeat Chorus]

Wha' 'bout this sign on my head
it says "Oh love me dead!"
Love me dead! Love me dead! Love me dead!
Oh...love me dead!